Baggage

Every relationship we have we take something from it. We would all like to take the positives from it and use it towards our next relationship. But then if there were a lot of positives then why are you not still together? Like if you can name 24 good things that you love about your Lover and only a few "issues" that you worked out then what was the problem. So if we don't take the positives, that leaves us with the bad stuff, which is now called "baggage". Everyone has it. Some of it is not that big of a deal like, "We can't eat at Applebee's because me and my ex always ate there". But other baggage can be very harmful to a new relationship.

Baggage can be emotional, physical and even sexual. Some people have had such bad relationships and that is how they think all relationships should be. When someone new comes along and shows them a relationship full of happiness and love and like nothing that they have ever experienced they get confused. This is new and different and they don't know how to handle it. It is unknown to them and we as humans are afraid of the unknown. We like normalcy. A woman that has been verbally abused or always talked down to by an ex-husband may be uncomfortable when a new lover compliments her everyday. Holding hands and public displays of affection may also be awkward for someone that is not used to it. And when you tell a woman she is beautiful every single day may be construed as "just words" or "the right thing to say" if she has never heard it. Especially when she doesn't see how beautiful she really is. Making love to someone new can be very difficult when you have been with someone for a long time. I use the term "making love" because sometimes sex is just sex. It can be just to satisfy our wants and needs for now. But making love to someone new, someone special can be amazing but also confusing. When you are in a loving relationship you know everything about that person. You know their feelings, their pleasures, their bodies and they know yours. You learn eachother. You learn what they want and need and they learn you. They can also teach you new feelings and pleasures. And over the years you have perfected the way your bodies work together. But now you have to start over. Everything is new and different. And you get nervous and scared. What if it's not good, what if they want me to do something weird, what if they think I am weird.

When we miss a relationship with someone we compare everything to it and that can be very damaging. It is not fair to the new someone and it is not healthy for the relationship. But we can't help it. It may be good when you are comparing how happier you are or how happier your kids are with this person then with your ex. But it is bad when you start to compare everything and sometimes we will even try to mold the new person into the old. Change the way they dress, how they act around others, or lifestyle. It goes back to the "love me for me". I am who I am, I'm almost 40, this is me, love me. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe some change is good. I believe that we can always better ourselves when we have someone to share life with. But when you try to change someone into something that they just can't be or if you see potential in someone, you can't hold too high of a standard for them and then be disappointed when they can't meet that standard.

When we were young we would meet someone and date and maybe fall in love. We didn't really have too much to worry about. Does she have a hot car, is she on the pill, does she have big older brothers that are gonna kick my ass if it doesn't work out? And if it didn't work out we moved on. But now as we approach 40 we have a lot to worry about. Most people our age have ex-husbands or ex-wives and children. That brings up a lot of questions that we need answered. How many ex-husbands, how many kids, are they going to like me, is she going to like my kids, are they going to like her? We see these people differently. I know that when I meet someone and I get that "this could be the one" feeling I try to imagine the next 20 years of my life. I want to know if this person will be a good step-mother for my girls because they need a positive female role-model in their lives. Is she willing to help me with my girls and help me raise them. Will her kids allow me into their lives and be their step-father. Will I still be attractive to her as I get older. Will she still dance with me at their birthdays and weddings or just goofing around in the kitchen. And when we are 60 years old will she look at me like she does now and hold my hands across the restaurant table and tell me she loves me.

And if we dedicate several years to this special someone and become a family, it makes it a lot harder to get over when it is gone. I know this because I have baggage. I am damaged goods. I am broken hearted and have been hurt bad and I am still recovering. I have been divorced for 6 years which is not much of an issue. My ex-wife and I are friends and we don't have a lot of problems. We sometimes see things differently but nothing major. But I am still recovering from a 3 year relationship and engagment. Am I ready for a new relationship? I would like to think so. I hate being alone and I know how much happier I am when I have a special someone. I love knowing that there is someone waiting for me to come home from work. Someone to talk to, to hold, to love. Someone to marry and experience life with. But I am scared and afraid. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to open myself up too quickly and then lose everything. I have read that "80% of divorcees report knowing that their marriage was a mistake before they walked down the aisle." That is not a good statistic. But I do believe that it is true. I have met some women who told me that they were unhappy or saw warning signs long before they got married but still got married and are now divorced. And some thought that having children would make it better and now they are single mom's struggling to survive. Maybe the issues were baggage from a previous relationship that they had had. One divorce is bad enough, but two or three....no one wants that. I want my second chance at marriage but I don't want the possablility of a third.

A relationship author wrote:

"It's impossible to make a marriage or other committed relationship work out when both partners drag along excess emotional baggage left over from prior romantic relationships."

He also writes:

Beliefs And Actions That Indicate That You're Carrying Excess Relationship Baggage:

- You believe that time will heal your emotional wounds

- You think the best way to deal with your broken heart is to "be strong"

- You believe that there are "plenty of fish in the sea," so all you have to do is find a replacement

- You isolate because you're unwilling to tell people how you feel

- You are using food or alcohol or other substances to try to cover up your feelings.

So my question is...what do we do? Obviously we have to deal with it without going crazy. It is easy to tell someone else to "get over it". We have all heard, "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". If we have never loved then we wouldn't know the pain that we feel when we have lost.

Not knowing something is better than spending the rest of your life trying to get back that feeling that you have lost.