Random Thoughts

I am here to guide you down the path towards happiness, to pick you up when you have fallen, to hold you when you are hurting, and to carry you when you are too weak to continue.


When I close my eyes, I can see your beautiful face. When I open my mouth, I can feel your lips against mine. When I lay down, I can feel your body on me. When the room is silent, I can hear your voice. When I am naked, I can feel your touch. When the room is dark, I dream of you. When we are together, my dreams come true.

6 Months to Live

Most people do not like going to see a Doctor or to the Hospital for many reasons. Some do not like going because there are sick people there, while others hate that is takes 3 hours for a simple check-up. As we get older I think that the reason changes to the fact that we do not want to hear "bad news". About three months ago I found myself lying on my bedroom floor at 11:00 at night, home alone with the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. After lying there for 45 minutes I decided to start making my goodbye phone calls because I thought I was going to die. Luckily the first person I called lived close and picked me up and took me to the emergency room. Four hours later, a few shots of "happy juice" and a CT Scan found that I had a kidney stone.

After I returned home and slept off the drugs, I wondered what if that was my last night. What if I died there in my bedroom, alone, without saying goodbye to my daughters. Where would they go? Who would take care of them? And I thought of about a hundred other questions.

If I were to be told that I only had six months to live, it would be devastating to my family and friends. My first concern would be my two daughters. How would I tell my 8 year old that Daddy was going to die? She is such a major part of my life and I am her everything. She cannot be away from me for more than two days without calling me just to say hi and that she misses me. I know that my 17 year old would handle it a little better but we are more like best friends than parent/daughter.

I come from a close family and no parents want to out live their children. My parents and I are very close and we live in the same city. I have dinner with them a few times a week and my mother usually calls me everyday. My father and I have been best friends since I was a small child. We have the same interests and he has always been my hero. For them to lose me would be extremely tragic and I don't know if my father would survive.

For those last six months I would spend as much time with my family as possible. I would plan my own funeral, making sure that every person that has ever come into my life was invited. I would make sure that the atmosphere was fun and happy, because if you ask any of my friends to describe me those would be the two words you would hear. I would have a 1980's themed funeral with neon clothing, mullets and my High School classmates 80's cover band playing Depeche Mode, Yaz and Billy Idol.

Once the so-called serious business was taken care of, I would then plan to take my girls on a vacation to all the places that I have wanted to take them. We would start by taking an RV to the Grand Canyon and sleep under the stars. Then we would take the Rio Grand steam train from Durango, CO. to Silverton, CO. Next I would take them to South Dakota to watch the sunrise over Mount Rushmore. And on this trip, we would stop at every little town and tourist attraction that we came across. We would see the largest balls of yarn, popcorn and rubber bands, the Winchester Mystery House, the largest sundial and any caverns along the way. For the end of the trip I would like to spend a few weeks by some kind of body of water, either on a beach in Hawaii or on a houseboat at Lake Powell.

I think I would also like to fulfill some of my dreams. A dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, drinks in a seedy bar with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, and dirt track racing with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I think I would let my girls come to the last one, not so much on the others. I would also want to be remembered by people I didn't know by finishing my children's books and my romance novel and getting them published so children and heartbroken women will know my name.

After everything is said and done there are only a few things I would like to have closure with before I die. I would repair my lost friendships, apologize to those I have hurt and forgive those that have wronged me. But most importantly, I would spend one night with my ex-fiancee of three years who has truly broken my heart and ruined my life for the fact that I can never love anyone again, who overlooked the 25 good qualities that she later realized after she threw me and my daughters out of OUR house, who I still think and dream about after a year and a half. And on that night, I would gently push her hair to the sides of her beautiful face, slide my hands to the sides of her neck, look into those amazing green eyes and say, "I love you".
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Another Dream

I had another dream about you.

It was Tuesday, March 17th (St. Patrick's Day). I was taking a nap in the afternoon after spending the day working at my daughter's school. This dream was so real. The dream was me taking a nap in my bedroom. I woke up groggy, and noticed that you were laying next to me with your head propped up a short distance away from mine. I don't know if we were lying in a bed together or on the floor. You were talking to someone else or on the phone. I noticed that you were wearing a blue summer dress with white polka-dots. It had short sleeves that had elastic the ran around your shoulders and along your bust line. It was low cut allowing cleavage to show. As you were talking you adjusted the top by pulling down on the fabric at your breasts and moving it from side to side. Now having known me for as long as you have, you know that I was always amazed at how sexy your were and was always excited when I had a glimpse of your body. I glanced over and watched as your breasts moved back and forth and slightly peeked out the top of the dress. You caught me looking and I quickly turned my head. I waited a few seconds and then glanced back and you caught me again. I turned away and shut my eyes. I then felt your warm, soft hands touch my face. You ran your fingers across my lips and down the sides to my neck. You leaned over and whispered in my ear. I didn't hear what you said, so without opening my eyes I asked you to repeat what you said. You whispered again but I still could not make out what you were saying. I opened my eyes and watched as you climbed on top of me and strattled my hips. Your dress was pulled up allowing your strong, beautiful legs to show. I placed both of my hands on your thighs and I began to rub your soft skin. I could feel you. I could feel you on my hips and I could feel your warm, smooth skin on my hands. We looked into eachother's eyes and just stared like we had so many other times. You whispered again, but I still could not understand.

Then I woke up.
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Not Saying Goodbye

Most of us have some type of commute every morning and evening. And when we hear about an accident on the 405 or an over-turned trash truck on the 91 we freak out, panic, swear and rush to get out the door not wanting to spend three hours in traffic. I used to spend 20 hours a week in my car commuting to LA...150 miles a day and I know other people that go even farther. But as we are cursing the traffic, yelling at the car in front of us and almost ramming the guy trying to get into our lane we don't think about the cause of the traffic.

Last week, my 8 year old daughter and I drove to San Francisco for the weekend. We were excited to go and hit the road and start our adventure. It was Friday morning, sun was shining, the 210 freeway was moving and then......brake lights.

Now, anyone living in Southern California had probably heard about the fatal accident in Irwindale involving a bus, 2 stakebed trucks, 3 compact cars and an SUV. Two people died in the accident, a man driving one of the trucks and a woman in one of the cars. As I passed the accident scene I was amazed that there were not more fatalities. This is a picture of part of the accident from a news website.

Here is a picture that I took as we passed the accident scene. It was really hard to understand what had actually happened. There were so many vehicles invloved and tow trucks and cranes. But one thing for sure is that two people lost their lives that morning. A father, a brother, a son. And a mother, a daughter, a wife.

For the next hour or so, of our 7 hour drive, I couldn't stop thinking about that accident. Those people all left for work that day, just like every other day. And then I started to think about their families and how they didn't get a chance to say goodbye. And how any day could be our last and what will be the last memory our friends and family have of us. As I drove further on our adventure my thoughts were back to me and my daughter seeing San Francisco.

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We drove and drove, which seemed like forever. As we approached Livermore, which is about 30 mile east of Oakland, we started to see firetrucks and firemen on ever freeway overpass. The trucks had their lights going and all of the firemen and other people we standing on the bridges all facing west.

Then we came to one overpass that had a beautiful display as you can see here. As soon as I saw that display, I knew what it was. About 1/4 mile past this overpass we saw a long line of police motorcycles, several police cars and then a hurse followed by several limos. After the limos there was at least a mile long line of police cars, trucks and motorcycles, all with their lights on. This was the funeral procession for one of the fallen Oakland Police officers that were tragically killed in a routine traffic stop. Two motor officers, Sgt. Mark Dunakin, 40, and Officer John Hege, 41 stopped a vehicle and the driver hopped out of the car and shot both officers. One died on the scene the other died at the hospital. Bad guy then runs to his apartment. SWAT team shows up and forces entry where two SWAT members, Sgt. Ervin Romans, 43, and Sgt. Daniel Sakai, 35 were shot and killed. Four young officers lost their lives. They were husbands, fathers, sons and brothers.

There is nothing more precious in life than to be loved. To have someone that loves you for everything that you are is the most amazing feeling. To have your daughter wrap her arms around you and say "I Love You Daddy". Many of you who are reading this have a husband, a wife, a fiancee, a boyfriend or a girlfriend that loves you. And there are times in all relationships when you may disagree or not see eye to eye on something. Sometimes this disagreement may lead to an argument or a fight. And sometimes we may say things that we don't really mean or maybe say that we hate that person. But deep down inside we do love them. Maybe its the love that makes us so upset that things can't be perfect between you.

The 6 people above went to work one day and did not come home. They left that morning, like they did everyday, to do the same job or the same class, knowing that after several hours they will be home again. And they would come home to their spouce, their kids, their families. But that day, thier loved ones did not have a chance to say a final I love you. If they were fighting, they didn't have a chance to say I'm sorry. If they were engaged, they didn't have a chance to say I do. They didn't have a chance to say goodbye.

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If you have a loved one, kiss them and hug them everytime they leave. Whether its for work or school or just to the store. Be thankful when they come home. Tell them you love them every chance you have. And if you are arguing or fighting and not speaking to eachother...tell them one thing. Tell them you love them.

Saying "I Love You"

If you have ever been in Love, you know how wonderful it is to hear that person say, "I Love You". And if have ever been in Love, you know how wonderful it is to tell that person that you love them. I can not remember that last time I have said that or heard that said to me from a lover.

I have plenty of memories of saying it to "her" and I can still hear "her" saying it to me, but it all seems so far away. The strongest vision I have is laying next to her, staring into those beautiful green eyes, my hand gently caressing her left cheek and neck, feeling her body against mine and saying, "I love you baby". And her looking back at me, her legs tightening against mine, her eyes closing as she softly said those three amazing words. She would often close her eyes when she said that.

If I had the time, I would say it 86,400 times a day so that she knew I loved her every second of every day. When things were good I said, "I Love You" every time we kissed, every time we talked, every moment we met, every time we were apart and many times in between. My love for her felt as if it was bursting out of my chest and I had to tell her to survive. And when times were bad, I never stopped loving her and told her up until that final day. Not the day that she made me move out, not the day she broke up with me, but the day that the pain had overtaken my life and I had to say goodbye forever. No more texts, no more emails, no more phone calls, no more visits. A pain that was so bad that the site of her would make my eyes burn, hearing her voice would make my ears ring and any physical contact would cause my heart to explode. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I want to fall in love again. I want to have someone in my life to love me and to have me love them. Someone to know how much love I have and how much love that I can give them. A love that runs deep within me. A love that you can see when you look into my eyes. A love that you can taste on your lips when I kiss you. A love that you can feel when I make love to you. I want to hear it. I need to hear it. I have to say it.

I have made mistakes, said the wrong things, been selfish, and been untruthful. But I was never unfaithful, never abusive and never stopped loving you.

I want to be loved again. I want to be able to love again. There has to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants to be loved. Someone that wants to be held tightly, kissed passionately, and loved unconditionally.


Hold me and I will hold you like I never want to let you go. Kiss me and I will kiss you softly all night long. Love me and I will Love you forever.

Soulmate

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It has been said that everyone has a "soulmate". Soulmate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations.

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One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

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According to theories popularized by Theosophy and in a modified form by Edgar Cayce (an American psychic), God created androgynous souls, equally male and female. The souls split into separate genders later, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the Earth, or "separation from God". Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

-So where the hell is mine? It would be a whole lot easier and a much more happier life if someone would give us maybe a hint or two to find out where he or she is. What if my soulmate is helping to save an endangered species in the Amazon? Or maybe she is designing the next skyscraper hotel in Dubai. Or a stripper in Amsterdam. OK, maybe not. And then there is the question that maybe I have already met my soulmate and either lost her or didn't know she was it. But, if she was my soulmate then we would still be together.

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Have you ever been out to dinner or in a bar with friends or a "not your soulmate" date and caught the eye of someone? A someone that you just couldn't take your eyes off of but you had to because you didn't want to be rude or impolite? But in your head you just wanted to drown yourself with their beauty? Or maybe you didn't have the nerve to introduce yourself to them. Or maybe this person is a co-worker, a teacher, a client, or someone you see everyday on the freeway during your morning commute. And for the next few days you can't get that person out of your head. Just everything about her was perfect. Every attractive quality that you look for in a person she had. And you start to wonder if you will cross paths again. Does she like to do the things that I like to do? Does she laugh at me when I dance or will she wrap her arms around my neck and join me. What does she sound like when she whispers in my ear? What does her giggle sound like or her sleepy little voice. How soft is her skin when I kiss the base of her neck. How sweet her lips are when they meet mine? What adventures and life experiences we could share? Would she love me and spend the rest of her life with me?

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What if that was my soulmate? Am I going to be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life? Or am I going to settle for what is available to me and never have those questions answered? I believe that timing is everything. You may have someone enter your life and experience happiness that you have not known and learn from eachother. And you may have had your eyes opened to a life that had always seemed impossible. Or maybe that person has taught you to feel better about yourself, to feel more beautiful and sexy. The way you dress, your hair or makeup. But for some reason it's just not 100% of what you want, need and desire. Or maybe your life is just at a point to where your are not ready to give all of yourself to someone or be able to give them what they need. And there is nothing wrong with letting that go as long as we take the positives from that to change and grow and to learn what we really need in a relationship. And hopefully we don't spend the rest of our lonely lives looking for it. Or in this case, maybe miss it.

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Take chances in life, because the one chance you don't take could be the path to eternal love and happiness.

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Baggage

Every relationship we have we take something from it. We would all like to take the positives from it and use it towards our next relationship. But then if there were a lot of positives then why are you not still together? Like if you can name 24 good things that you love about your Lover and only a few "issues" that you worked out then what was the problem. So if we don't take the positives, that leaves us with the bad stuff, which is now called "baggage". Everyone has it. Some of it is not that big of a deal like, "We can't eat at Applebee's because me and my ex always ate there". But other baggage can be very harmful to a new relationship.

Baggage can be emotional, physical and even sexual. Some people have had such bad relationships and that is how they think all relationships should be. When someone new comes along and shows them a relationship full of happiness and love and like nothing that they have ever experienced they get confused. This is new and different and they don't know how to handle it. It is unknown to them and we as humans are afraid of the unknown. We like normalcy. A woman that has been verbally abused or always talked down to by an ex-husband may be uncomfortable when a new lover compliments her everyday. Holding hands and public displays of affection may also be awkward for someone that is not used to it. And when you tell a woman she is beautiful every single day may be construed as "just words" or "the right thing to say" if she has never heard it. Especially when she doesn't see how beautiful she really is. Making love to someone new can be very difficult when you have been with someone for a long time. I use the term "making love" because sometimes sex is just sex. It can be just to satisfy our wants and needs for now. But making love to someone new, someone special can be amazing but also confusing. When you are in a loving relationship you know everything about that person. You know their feelings, their pleasures, their bodies and they know yours. You learn eachother. You learn what they want and need and they learn you. They can also teach you new feelings and pleasures. And over the years you have perfected the way your bodies work together. But now you have to start over. Everything is new and different. And you get nervous and scared. What if it's not good, what if they want me to do something weird, what if they think I am weird.

When we miss a relationship with someone we compare everything to it and that can be very damaging. It is not fair to the new someone and it is not healthy for the relationship. But we can't help it. It may be good when you are comparing how happier you are or how happier your kids are with this person then with your ex. But it is bad when you start to compare everything and sometimes we will even try to mold the new person into the old. Change the way they dress, how they act around others, or lifestyle. It goes back to the "love me for me". I am who I am, I'm almost 40, this is me, love me. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe some change is good. I believe that we can always better ourselves when we have someone to share life with. But when you try to change someone into something that they just can't be or if you see potential in someone, you can't hold too high of a standard for them and then be disappointed when they can't meet that standard.

When we were young we would meet someone and date and maybe fall in love. We didn't really have too much to worry about. Does she have a hot car, is she on the pill, does she have big older brothers that are gonna kick my ass if it doesn't work out? And if it didn't work out we moved on. But now as we approach 40 we have a lot to worry about. Most people our age have ex-husbands or ex-wives and children. That brings up a lot of questions that we need answered. How many ex-husbands, how many kids, are they going to like me, is she going to like my kids, are they going to like her? We see these people differently. I know that when I meet someone and I get that "this could be the one" feeling I try to imagine the next 20 years of my life. I want to know if this person will be a good step-mother for my girls because they need a positive female role-model in their lives. Is she willing to help me with my girls and help me raise them. Will her kids allow me into their lives and be their step-father. Will I still be attractive to her as I get older. Will she still dance with me at their birthdays and weddings or just goofing around in the kitchen. And when we are 60 years old will she look at me like she does now and hold my hands across the restaurant table and tell me she loves me.

And if we dedicate several years to this special someone and become a family, it makes it a lot harder to get over when it is gone. I know this because I have baggage. I am damaged goods. I am broken hearted and have been hurt bad and I am still recovering. I have been divorced for 6 years which is not much of an issue. My ex-wife and I are friends and we don't have a lot of problems. We sometimes see things differently but nothing major. But I am still recovering from a 3 year relationship and engagment. Am I ready for a new relationship? I would like to think so. I hate being alone and I know how much happier I am when I have a special someone. I love knowing that there is someone waiting for me to come home from work. Someone to talk to, to hold, to love. Someone to marry and experience life with. But I am scared and afraid. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to open myself up too quickly and then lose everything. I have read that "80% of divorcees report knowing that their marriage was a mistake before they walked down the aisle." That is not a good statistic. But I do believe that it is true. I have met some women who told me that they were unhappy or saw warning signs long before they got married but still got married and are now divorced. And some thought that having children would make it better and now they are single mom's struggling to survive. Maybe the issues were baggage from a previous relationship that they had had. One divorce is bad enough, but two or three....no one wants that. I want my second chance at marriage but I don't want the possablility of a third.

A relationship author wrote:

"It's impossible to make a marriage or other committed relationship work out when both partners drag along excess emotional baggage left over from prior romantic relationships."

He also writes:

Beliefs And Actions That Indicate That You're Carrying Excess Relationship Baggage:

- You believe that time will heal your emotional wounds

- You think the best way to deal with your broken heart is to "be strong"

- You believe that there are "plenty of fish in the sea," so all you have to do is find a replacement

- You isolate because you're unwilling to tell people how you feel

- You are using food or alcohol or other substances to try to cover up your feelings.

So my question is...what do we do? Obviously we have to deal with it without going crazy. It is easy to tell someone else to "get over it". We have all heard, "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". If we have never loved then we wouldn't know the pain that we feel when we have lost.

Not knowing something is better than spending the rest of your life trying to get back that feeling that you have lost.

Honey, I'm Home

The house is quiet and cold. You are not here to ask me how my day was. You are not here to tell me about yours. I call for you but you do not answer. I walk through the kitchen and I cannot smell the dinners that you would cook for me. The vase of roses is still on the counter. The roses are dark and dried up with no signs of life. The dining room table is clean and clear. The usual sight of your purse, backpacks and homework are nowhere to be seen. The living room is still, pillows straight, blankets folded. The mess that I complained about time and time again I now wish for, knowing that you and the kids are home.

I walk upstairs to our bedroom. The air is stale. The bed is empty. The sight of you walking around the corner wearing lace or silk is now just a memory. The lighting is typical, unlike the many evenings I walked into a candle lit room to find you there waiting for me, wanting me. In the bathroom I used to watch you dry your hair wearing only a towel and sneak up behind you and kiss your shoulders. The towel would then gently fall to the floor and I would examine every inch of your naked body in the mirror. The same mirror that now only shows a soulless image of myself.

I throw my work clothes on the floor and begin my nightly routine. A long hot shower, usually with my head down, eyes closed, leaning against the wall. My head is filled with images of the long showers that we took together. You washing your hair while I rubbed soap all over your body. Watching the soap slowly slide down your chest, between your breasts and down your stomach. Taking the shower head and rincing your hair for you. Holding you from behind and kissing your neck as I gently run the shower spray down the front of your body. Feeling your warm hands on my back as you wash me. Us fighting for the hot water on those cold mornings or nights. The scent of your shampoos and body oils is now replaced with old soap and mildew.

I exit the shower and before I dry off I run to check my phone to see if you had called. Hoping to see a missed call or a text telling me to meet you for sushi, our favorite place, our date night, sushi and a movie. But the phone was silent, no missed calls, no voice message, no text. I opened my phone to see your picture, the first picture you sent me many years ago. You, in your car, wearing a white top with lace straps. Your hair pulled back, make-up is perfect. Your pink lipstick coated lips are pressed together as if inviting me to kiss you. Your silver hoop earrings shine in the sunlight but are over powered by the sparkle in your amazing green eyes. I look at the picture for several minutes, then say goodnight before I close it and put it and you on the night stand.

I crawl into bed, the sheets are cold and your side is empty, like it has been for months. I can no longer smell your perfume on my pillow. A pleasant smell that I had gone to sleep with night after night. Our evening talks, our passionate kissing, our romantic lovemaking have all be replaced with falling asleep watching tv or a movie. I roll over and stare at your pillow. I can still see you, laying there, your head gently placed on your pillow, eyes struggling to stay open. I can hear your cute, sleepy voice telling me to stop staring at you. I press my cold feet against you causing you to move your legs to the cold part of the sheets. Your cute sleepy voice has now turned into an even cuter little girl voice, including the pouting lips.

I close my eyes and replay the good times in my head. The weekend getaways, Palm Springs, San Diego. The times when we didn't do anything except enjoy each other. Coming home to you, waiting for me in the bathtub, covered with bubbles. You coming home to me in a candle lit house, warm fireplace, gentle music and a bottle of wine. Watching movies all day when it was raining. Doing new things together, new adventures, new experiences. Now I can only look at your pictures and listen to our songs.

It has been a long day and my head grows tired. There will not be a good night kiss. No warm body to hold. No one to say goodnight. No peaceful sound of your breathing. Another day without you has now been completed. Another day that I did not think I would make it through. You said that it would get better with time. The tears would stop and the pain would go away. I don't cry myself to sleep as often as I did. But the pain is still there in the hole in my heart. My soul is empty, like this lonely house.

Love and Learn

We have all heard the terms "Live and Learn" and "Everything happens for a reason". Well, I believe in "Love and Learn" and that people come in and out of our lives for many reasons. We all have friends and ex-lovers that are no longer in our lives. So what is the reason that they were in our lives to begin with and why are they not there now?

When someone comes into your life, no matter how long or short of a time period, it is for some reason that they are there. It can be as simple as someone that makes you laugh or smile when you are having a bad day or a long term relationship. The relationships can be either as a friend or a Lover. The friends can be there to help you through life or business. To be there to share special moments in your life or to pick you up when you are down. To go on vacations with or go for a motorcycle ride. These someones can also be complete strangers. I try to make at least one stranger smile everyday. It can be the Drive-thru attendant, a waitress, or even someone walking down the street. It doesn't take much to get someone to smile and the end result is so worth it. If I can make that person's day just a tad bit brighter then I have accomplished my goal. This is just my personality. Some insecure people may see this as me flirting but it isn't, it's my attempt to make the world a happier place. And there are many days when I really don't feel like smiling and it will happen to me so I know both sides of the feeling.

Last year I went through a very tough time. I hated my job, my 3 year relationship was ending and I was just miserable. My whole life seemed to be crashing down. One night on my way home from work I caught a train at a crossing. I was sitting in my truck in silence, hating my life, wishing for change. I'm watching the freight train going by, car by car. And then I saw it. It was a brown boxcar, old and rusty. On the side of the car I see the words, "Bite Me" in graffiti. First I smiled and then I couldn't help from laughing. It was perfect! It was how I felt. It was me looking into my life and just saying "Bite Me!"

But friends and Loves do come and go. Friendships can end for many reasons, business, moving, diasagreements. Every relationship we have, with either a friend or lover, we learn something. We learn something about ourselves, others, life, love. We learn that sometimes we are too nice and get taken advantage of. We learn that money can end a friendship and relationship. When we start a new relationship, I think we all want it to last. We think, "This is it!" and we tell all of our friends, "This is the ONE!" But I do know that some people will start a relationship just to fill a void temporarily until "The One" comes along instead of "The One for Now". And I do believe that we pull something from every relationship. I have had a few relationships, both long term and short term, where I have showed these heart broken women what Love is supposed to be. They came from unhappy marriages and bad divorces and told me that they never knew a relationship and Love could be like this. After their marriages they didn't believe that they were ever going to Love again until I entered their life. All I did was be myself. This is me. I know how I want to be Loved and how I want my partner to be with me, so I want to Love them as I want to be Loved.

But for some reason it still doesn't work out. And I just can't figure it out. If I Loved you like no other man has and brought you so much happiness, happiness that your friends and family actually thanked me for, then what is the problem? I am a man and I am from Mars. We like to fix things. But if we don't know what the problem is then we can't fix it. So then I think the problem is me. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? And I beat myself up about it, get angry or depressed. Then I think what a waste of time this was. I was alone and unhappy and then I met this special someone and life was great. It ended and now I am right back where I started. Where is my Happily Ever After? I wanna be the old couple at the restaurant holding hands and kissing across the table, not eating alone again. So I try to learn from it. I take what ever I can from that relationship and use it for my next. To make it better and brighter.

And I want those lost Loves to learn from me. To learn that there is a man out there that can Love you for everything that you do. A man that Loves your smile, your laugh, your kisses and your touch. A man to tell you how beautiful your are and how pretty your eyes are even when your don't feel it. A man that will listen to you talk about your flaws and Love every one of them. A man that will dance with you no matter how silly he looks. A man to take you to the latest Diane Lane chick flick and keep you warm by rubbing your legs because the theater is cold. A man to share a sunset with. A man that will lay next to you and just hold you. A man that can look into your eyes and tell you he Loves you without speaking a single word.

We must learn from Love everyday, whether it is good or bad. Try to take the good from the bad and use it to make it better. You can't give up on Love. Just like everything in our lives, it takes work. You have to want it more than anything. And do what it takes to make it work.

Love is a test. Everyone fails. Learn and re-test.

Falling In Love

How do you know when you are falling in Love? At what point are you actually in Love? When does the falling stop and the Loving begin?

When we meet someone there is aways some sort of attraction. It could be looks, lifestyle, accomplishments, personality or family values. Our attractions for others can also be the filling of a hole in our life. A lot of people say that looks should not be a reason for attraction because beauty is only skin deep. That does have some truth to it but looks can also be how a person presents himself/herself. Let's say there are two guys sitting at a bar. One guy has messed up hair, wrinkled clothes, a few days growth of facial hair and is sitting alone and just looks angry. Guy number two looks very clean...clothes are perfect, face is clean shaven (maybe shaved head) and is smiling and talking and laughing with some friends. Not knowing anything else about these two, including career, bank account, accomplishments or family values, which one is more attractive?

A single mother may find a single father at a park and see the interaction he has with his child and want her child to have that same interaction or male figure in their life. A woman may see a successful man driving an expensive car, wearing a very nice suit and be attracted to his house, boat, vacation house, toys and his business accomplishments. So now she is attracted to material things. Does she fall in Love with the lifestyle and "things" or is it him? Let's say 3 years later the guys successful Real Estate business crashes with the market, he sells the boat and vacation home to pay for the loss he now has on his house and has no time to play with the toys. She'd better be in Love with him now because that's all she has.

Okay, so now we have the atttraction. Now comes the building of the relationship. As this couple spends more and more time together, whether it be everyday since they met or just a few times a week they become closer and closer. The more time they spend together the less time they want to be apart. When they are apart they call eachother just to hear the other's voice, or send texts just to say "hi" or even just a smilie face :-). As this friendship/relationship grows stronger we introduce sex into it. Here is where it gets tricky. Sexual appetite can be a HUGE problem. If both parties are not looking at the same menu this can cause problems, fights and even failure. So now you have the attraction but you just aren't getting fulfilled in the bedroom. Do you just deal with it and go on wanting more than what you have? Do you try to change the other person and hope that they don't get offended? I think sexual compatability is a major reason why a lot of relationships don't last. He wants it but she doesn't. She wants it as much as they did when the got married. Now 5, 10, 15 years later it just isn't there. Or he goes and gets it somewhere else. And don't even get me started on women who use sex to make a statement. If you are mad at me, be mad. Let's make love and be happy for a brief moment and then you can continue to be mad.

We have attraction and sex and now comes the Love. We have all heard or said, "I think I am falling for you". I think this comes when you feel that you and your partner are compatable in every way. You make eachother laugh and smile. You can lay next to eachother and just talk about everything and never run out of things to say. You go out dancing and just act goofy and smile and laugh and you don't care what other people think about how silly you are. Strangers comment on how happy you look together. You can snuggle on the couch and watch a movie and just hold eachother. And when you are holding eachother, and staring into eachother's eyes and your head is telling you to say "it". The moment is right, everything is perfect...just say "it". Then you think it's too soon, or it's gonna scare her or freak her out. But then you think how wonderful it would be to hear her say it right back. And you don't. You can't. Maybe next time you can get the courage to say it. Maybe she will say it first, but no one does. And then what happens....your at a party, you've been drinking, she walks in, your eyes meet and you run to her and say, "I LOVE YOU!" And your mind says, "Wait, what did we just say? Who turned of the mouth filter?" And now it's out there. Not the most romantic story for the grandkids but its out. And you make sure the next time you say it, it's special. And it will be special everytime you say it.

To hear someone say "I Love You" is so wonderful. The first time she said "I Love You" my whole body got hot. My head was confused and disoriented, but it felt good. It had been a long time since I had heard it and I didn't know if I was going to hear it again. I wanted her to say it again. And she did! Holy Crap! What is happening? This is it! I'm in Love! We are in Love! I Love her and she Loves me. I wanna say it every morning and night and 100 times during the day. I don't want a minute to go by during the day that she doesn't know that I Love her.

How do we know that this is Love? What proof do we have that this is Love? We said it so it's true right? Are they just words? We tend to use that word a lot. "I Love chocolate cake." "I Love that movie!" So how is "I Love You" different?

To me, being in Love is when you think about her all the time. When you can see her in your mind no matter how far apart you are. When every day you can picture the first time you felt her hand in yours. The first time you kissed. The first time you made love. When you can't wait to see her every day. When you are up to your ears in work and stress and you have this feeling inside of you to take a step back and text, "Hi Beautiful" or call just to say hi. And when you find yourself talking about her and telling stories of what you did together last weekend. When you can't see your life without her. When you want to do everything with her. When her touch still makes me tingle. The way she squirms when I bite her neck. When she looks into my eyes and everything around her disappears.


When you truely Love someone you fall in Love with them everyday.

What Is Love, Really.....

What is Love? 1 Corinthians explains that question but what is it really? I myself have been in Love. I have fallen in it, happened upon it, and even stepped in it. But I have also lost it, forgot it and had it taken away from me. Falling in Love can be one of the most amazing feelings in your life. It can also be the most frightening one, too. Anyone that has been really hurt by Love knows how cautious they must be when those feelings come again. No one wants to get hurt so we tend to get scared when we feel a friendship or relationship going in that direction. So what do we do? Do we stay single and refuse to Love again? Just fulfill our wants and needs just to get through the day? That does work for some, but to have True Love will fulfill your life forever. Having someone to come home to, to miss you, to comfort you. Someone to interrupt your busy, stressful day with a phone call, a text or a note to put a smile on your face, to brighten your day, to remind you of what you have.

Finding Love can be very easy. Holding onto it is the challenge.

Live each day to its fullest and Love as if it is your last.

What Is Love?

What Is Love?

Love is patient, Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.


1 Corinthians Chapter 13 verse 4-8